Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I don't want to give her back

One of my children had a routine appointment with their paediatrician today.  I always think I'm being calm about these appointments until I get home afterwards and realise in hindsight how worked up I've been.  The paediatrician is beyond wonderful and thoroughly kind and cheery so she's not the problem.  She was the doctor on duty on the day my child was born, prematurely, and it was her that save my daughter's life and got her breathing for the first time.  So every time I go to see her, my mind travels back in time without my permission.  It's so very irrational - because my child is fine and dandy now - but I get the same feeling as I had the day we took her home from the special care nursery, unsure of whether they would really let us "keep her".  I felt like we were taking their baby home, not ours.  And there's this little part of me that is still a bit scared I'm going to rock up for an appointment and someone is going to say, "Are you kidding?  You did what?! You are a total failure as a mother!  You can't keep her!"

So ridiculous.  But there it is.

However, our appointment was fine and all is well.  And they let me take her home again.  Going to go and have a cup of tea now and tell myself to get over it.


Karen said...

I know the feeling...even though we don't see our paediatrician any more for visits, I've occasionally bumped into him around workplaces. And I remember back. Every time.
I saw the obstetrician who delivered our younger two kids at the checkout in Woolies a few weeks ago. She recognised me and said hello. And again I remembered :)
How prem was your little girl, if you don't mind me asking? Rosie was born at 33+6...

Deb said...

Nearly the same. She was 33+5. But she'd stopped growing a bit before that so she was only 1505 grams at birth.